


Cards Against Star Wars

by ImperialRemnant



Series: Shenanigans of the Force Kind [25]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Cards Against Humanity, Gen, I'm Bad At Titles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 19:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5388068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialRemnant/pseuds/ImperialRemnant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Characters play Cards Against Humanity, whether they have cards or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cards Against Star Wars

**Author's Note:**

> I used cahquotes.appspot.com since I don't have an actual deck (I know it's tragic).

It was almost impossible to imagine, in a galaxy filled with millions of beings – no, wait – _trillions upon trillions_ of beings, that a Vader-loving, evil figure of the Dark Side of the Force could even do a pouty face under their mask.

“But I want to look after them!” Kylo whined to Snoke, still petting Doodles and Rivana.

“Kylo, they’re _mine_ ,” Snoke said, “and they’re being cared for just fine.”

“But I want to be their mother,” Kylo whispered. Rivana purred.

“Ya know, Phasma asked the same thing,” Snoke said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Then quickly waving his hand said, “Just as long as I get Rivana. Come on Rivana,” Snoke whistled to the lizard.

Rivana got up, appearing as inconvenienced as a lizard could, slowly walking over to Snoke. “Let’s go find these Jedi lovers, huh?” Snoke said to her. Rivana yawned in reply, but nonetheless started sniffing.  
“When I’m a billionaire,” Kylo heard Snoke saying to Rivana as they walked away, “I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate Donald Trump.”

That man was truly evil.

Kylo figured he should go and find Hux and Phasma soon, despite the fact Snoke forbade him to go anywhere. It was getting rather lonely, and the other Knights were talking about vehicular manslaughter and telling poorly timed holocaust jokes. They excluded him. For now.

* * *

“Look, I learned the hard way that you can’t cheer up a grieving friend with a home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine,” Finn told Rey, who looked like she _really_ didn’t want to hear any more of what he had to say.

“Which friend was this?” Rey asked, despite herself.  

Finn sighed, “It was Poe. Turns out he would just prefer to continue reading about bio-engineered assault turtles with acid breathe.”

Rey frowned, “that makes sense I guess. What happened next?”

“A can of whoop-ass, that’s what,” Finn said, shaking his head, “But enough of this tragic telling. Can you sense it?” 

“The Dark Side? Yes,” Rey said. She wondered – hoped, really – that Luke would follow soon. They needed a master Jedi when going up against not just Snoke. And not just him, but the Knights of Ren, and the most dangerous people in the First Order including Phasma and Hux. Sure, they weren’t Force users, but non-Force users can be deadly when trained to fight against Jedi.

They were still in the forest – or woods, when did we stop calling it that? – It stopped snowing a while back now, the clouds clearing. Hopefully they’ll be able to fight the battle in sun and not a snow storm.

They continued their trek, senses up, both on alert.

Finn then broke into a smile, “Fun question! What would you bring back in time to convince people you’re a powerful magician?”

Rey looked down at her, or Obi-Wan’s whatever, lightsaber, then replied with, “Darth Vader.”

The answer confused Finn, who wasn’t sure how she could even do that.  

* * *

The flag long forgotten now by Phasma and Hux, who were still wondering around the forest, not a clue where they were. Phasma was trying to come up with games or jokes, or really anything to kill the time and get their minds off the disaster they were in.

“You know what gets better with age?” Phasma asked Hux.

“Alcoholism?” Hux suggested.

“Uh... no...” Phasma said.

“Unfathomable stupidity?”

“Must you be so depressing?” Phasma asked.

Hux shrugged, “I just don’t like jokes.”

“Oh, this wasn’t a joke,” Phasma said, “I was just thinking about _Cards Against Humanity_.”

“Cards against _what_? How can cards be against humanity? Actually, wait, don’t tell me,” Hux said, “I don’t want to know.”

“It’s a game, sir,” Phasma explained, “I thought maybe you’ve played, considering your answers. My favourite for what gets better with age is _a zesty breakfast burrito_.”

“Huh?” Was all Hux could say, trying to get over a giant tree trunk of a long-fallen tree. Phasma had it easier being much taller and went over it with ease.

“Okay, all right, what do you drink to forget?” Phasma asked, waiting as Hux was still trying to get over the trunk.

“Kylo’s stupidity,” Hux said with the roll of his eyes, “Your stupidity. My own stupidity!”

“Flightless birds,” Phasma answered, ignoring Hux, “Penguins and Emus make me so angry.”

Hux got over the trunk. Staring at Phasma, wondering how much more he had to put up of this. Maybe he should drink to forget this entire situation. He said nothing, turning away and continuing to walk.

Phasma was at least a little insulted.

* * *

Poe, Han and a few other pilots sat around the hanger, deciding to get a game in before they had to go to battle.

“If I die,” Black Eight said, “I’m glad this was one of the last things I’m doing.”

Han put down a black card, “War! What is it good for?”

White cards being placed down and Han said each of them out loud. “ _Dying_. Well you’re not wrong. _German Dungeon Porn_. I don’t even want to know who put that one. _Growing a Pair_. I guess? _Land Mines._ Again, not wrong. And... _Bees?_ ” For bees, Han had no comment.  

In unison, everyone else said, “ _Bees?_ ”

Han didn’t seem like he wanted to go with that one, but sighed and said, “ _Bees?_ it is.”

Poe punched the air with his fist in victory.

* * *

Laughter could be heard from... not quite in the scope of the living, but the one of the Force. Individuals who could appear to people of the living were the ones laughing, sitting on the roof of the Resistance Base.

“That one, my favourite it is,” Yoda said, pointing to the card _three dicks at the same time_.

“Who played that one!?” Obi-Wan exclaimed. Although no one had to ask, for Anakin Skywalker was clutching his stomach, and would have difficulty breathing if he weren’t already dead.

Obi-Wan read the black card again, “Here is the church. Here is the steeple, open the doors and there are _three dicks at the same time?_ That makes no sense!”

“My favourite, it is,” Yoda insisted with a horrifying smile.

They heard the voice of Qui-Gon from around them, “You’re all idiots... But splendid choice Master Yoda.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment and/or kudos <3 :D


End file.
